free flying soul

"this world has nothing for me and this world has everything...all that I could want and nothing that I need"

My Photo
Location: Macclesfield, North Carolina, United States

Born: 1970; Graduated High School: 1988; Married: 1991; Children: 1996, 2000, 2005; Graduated College: 2008; Figured Out This Faith Thing: In Progress

Saturday, July 16, 2005

First Love

I remember the very first time I fell in love. I was in ninth grade and she had been my best friend’s girl. Yeah, I know that sounds awfully cliché, but it is the truth. I was living The Cars’ song in reverse. I had been mildly infatuated with a couple of girls before and even had deluded myself into believing that I loved them as well, but I must be honest and admit that LP was the first girl I truly loved.

Like I said, there were a couple of other girls that occupied my thoughts before L, but they just weren’t the ones for me. AH plagued my little sixth grade mind but I guess that I wasn’t much of a ladies’ man at eleven. I wrote her little notes and drew her little pictures of bears and things, but her heart belonged to DV. I never liked him again.Then there was CS. Her father was the pastoe at my church and I, along with every other guy there, became totally enamored of her. But once again, I wasn’t much for wooing the women and she fell victim to LJ’s charm, and his 1984 Mustang GT. As you probably have guessed, I hated him as well.

It was on the heels of the C Ordeal that I befriended Ms. P. She was going with my best friend SL. We were all in band together and spent a great deal of time with one another. S and L were both on the brass line. He played trombone and she played trumpet. Me? Well I played the clarinet so I was immediately deemed uncool. S and I were in ninth grade and she was in eighth, but we were band nerds and stuck together.

I don’t know why the clarinet has been labeled a girl’s instrument. The only famous clarinetist I can even think of is Benny Goodman and he definitely wasn’t a girl, but for some reason I didn’t pull chicks like those darned brass players. In fact, if S hadn’t been such a putz, I probably never would have gotten real close to L either.

S and L constantly bickered. He was uncultured and vulgar, she wasn’t. This led to many skirmishes and clashes of opinion between the two. I don’t know why but she turned to me with all of their problems. I guess she figured that I knew him pretty well and I could talk a little sense into him. That just didn’t happen. Instead I spent more and more time talking to her. Every single time they had a fight she would call and we would talk for hours. Needless to say, we grew very close.

But that still wasn’t enough to spark romance between the two of us, although I must confess that I was rather drawn to her. I’ve always had the bad habit of falling for girls fairly quickly. L was no exception. I was soon hiding the fact that I was experiencing feelings other than those associated with friendship.
I know this all sounds incredibly silly, but it was a pretty big deal back then. A lot of people would say that a 15 year old couldn’t possibly be involved in a serious relationship. Those people have never been 15 and in love. I can assure you that it was as serious to me as life and death.

Now I wouldn’t put it on the same level as the relationship I share with my wife now, but I do know that I loved L as much as any 14 year old could. And the bad thing was that I couldn’t have her, she was S’s girl.But then something strange and wonderful happened. S decided he wanted to start going with C. I’ve often wondered where that phrase originated. Going together….if any one can tell me where it came from, I’d appreciate it. Anyways, S neglected to tell L about this and I was left in the middle of his sordid little affair. I had to conceal the fact that S was cheating on L, who had now become my best friend. I also had to conceal the fact that I was now in love with her. It was a messy junior high love triangle.

It all came to a head when S and I were in Washington DC during the ninth grade class trip. C was there and the three of us hung out the whole time. It was at that point that I decided I could no longer keep my feelings to myself. While S and C shared a pretzel in front of the Washington Monument, I went to a pay phone and called L. It was an unusually brisk April afternoon and a light rain began to fall as I told L that I loved her. She asked me what I was going to do about S and I did the unthinkable, I ratted him out.

Yeah, I broke the cardinal rule of best buddy-dom, I not only fell for his girl, I told her that he had someone else. I guess I was a villain of soap operish proportions, but I felt much better and when we got back to North Carolina, she dumped him and started going with me. And that was how I fell in love.

I would like to say that things between L and I were happy and rosy, but those that know me know my wife’s name is something else, so that means that things didn’t work out between Ms. P and myself. It was a learning experience though, in fact, I learned what to do in a relationship and what not to do in a relationship. There are so many things I would love to go back and change about that whole situation.

Our relationship became intimate, even though we both knew it shouldn’t. I guess I could cop out and say that we were victims of our raging hormones and that we couldn’t help ourselves, but we could. We were both church-going kids and we knew what we were doing was wrong, we just didn’t care. That is a part of my life that I have always regretted.

I would also have ended the relationship on a better note. I guess I grew resentful of L by the time we finally broke up. I was more concerned with my friends thinking I was cool than with doing the right thing. I sort of ignored her my entire senior year and it hurt her. I did truly regret that and later asked for her forgiveness, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she didn’t humor me, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mourn the loss of L, in fact, I thank God that we didn’t end up together. I believe that I ended up with exactly who God intended me to be with. But I made so many mistakes with L; I wish I could go back and take them all away. Would I have still dated her? Probably, I won’t lie. But I definitely would not have let the relationship go to some of the places that it went. I would love to have a few of those Friday nights back to do over again, I sure wouldn’t let myself end up down some of those dark roads. At least I hope I wouldn’t.

First love, loss of innocence, for me they go hand in hand. I wish I could look back on that time and feel sappy, sentimental nostalgia over a sweet little crush that lasted a couple of years, but I can’t. All I see is a dark blight in my past that kept me from growing into the man that I should’ve been.


Post a Comment

<< Home