free flying soul

"this world has nothing for me and this world has everything...all that I could want and nothing that I need"

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Location: Macclesfield, North Carolina, United States

Born: 1970; Graduated High School: 1988; Married: 1991; Children: 1996, 2000, 2005; Graduated College: 2008; Figured Out This Faith Thing: In Progress

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Wednesday Afternoon Fall From Grace

Here I am...almost one year after graduation and I am no better off than I was then. I have only two leads and I'm not sure how good either of them are. Every day that passes without communication...I feel like my chances are decreasing. Part of that is me being impatient and part of it is me being gunshy. I really want the position in Washington but I am so afraid that something is going to come along and derail things. I have no viable options here and to be honest...I don't think I want to be here in Rocky Mount.

We have until the end of June to find a real job and a place to live. We will be homeless if we don't. We can't afford the rent on this house...especially without decent jobs. I am honestly trying to be patient and trust that things are going to work out but's getting tough. I watch Jamie dealing with her skin problems and her allergies and I'm helpless. We're sitting here waiting to see when Medicaid will kick in so she can get back to see a real doctor. Meanwhile...she suffers and there isn't a damn thing I can do. I realize that there are people in this world (in this country) that have it much worse than we do...but that doesn't make this any easier to deal with.

I have a lot of good, well-meaning people smile and nod and tell me that everything is going to work out...but this doesn't affect them. They go home and don't have to deal with it...I do. I guess I'm not using this situation the way I should be. I should be taking this experience and letting it grow my faith. I feel like the opposite is happening. I want to shake my fists at the sky and ask, "What the hell is up with this?" Then I feel guilty for even entertaining the thought.

People who don't really know me look at the last four years of my life and pat me on the back. They tell me that they're proud of me and that it's awesome to see me walking in faith. They tell me that they KNOW God is going to use me in mighty ways. Why don't I feel that way? Why am I sitting here in a dark room brooding and whining on a message board? Maybe I am losing my faith...I don't know. It's not God that I have a problem's all these people here using His name. I just want to find a group of people that prove me wrong. I want to believe that the church is the way God is reaching out to people and I want to be a part of it. I'm just having a tough time buying it right now.


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